Mothering replacing fathering. It is killing civilization.
I love my dear departed mother and my still alive and kicking wife. But if the two of them had dominated the parenting of the children after they hit about 15 years old, then the boys in the family would never have grown to the well-functioning strong men that we are.
Here is the fact pattern.
Females from evolutionary biology and general biology are wired to relate to children because their primary role has been to gestate and then raise children... young children. This makes females prone to both more infantile and childish impulses and behaviors and also causes them to be like children in their natural craving for being cared for.
But moving to adult the shift to craving care to giving care should happen.
It happens when females give birth. In that moment most of them shift from child to mother.
But mothers are supposed to care for the young children. Fathers are supposed to take over and take care of the older children. The lessons of the mother are care, nurturing, unconditional love and endless empathy and second chances. The lessons of the father are hard-work, responsibility, consequences, etc. The mother teaches care from others. The father teaches self-sufficiency and self-care.
When the mother holds on to the responsibility for the older children... basically cutting out the father's authority... the children end up stunted in term of their self-sufficiency and self-care capability. They don't get the responsibility and accountability requirement. The expect to be constantly helped, supported, bailed out and to live a softer life of comfort without the stress of normal life struggle.
It is the shift to a matriarchy and female dominance of the household that has led to this constant monitoring shift. Young people are not as resilient and self-sufficient as they have been. It is a doom loop as their lack of capability results in even more mothering and monitoring, and their adult development gets stunted even into their advanced years.
My parents never addended any of my sporting practices and few of the games. They did not hover over me for my schoolwork. They never got involved in my jobs and my career. My wife wanted to call my son's commanding officer one year when he was denied leave for the holidays. I stopped her from doing that. It is natural for mothers to want to mother. However, mothering adults is a mistake, and it has led to generations of weak, lazy, soft adult-age children that cannot cope with struggle and stress and expect others to mother them until their grave.
Wow Frank, you sure seem to know a lot about how to be a good mom. I’m wondering if you’d diagnose all the broken men serving in the current administration as victims of poor mothering? How else to explain the raft of abusive creeps? They don’t seem to exhibit the “responsibility and accountability” of a properly mothered man. Don, Pete, Bobby, Elon, Corey, Rudy, Matt, Jason, Rob, Howard, it’s quite a lengthy list. And, could errant moms be behind the Epstein coverup? Just asking questions…
Jeepers Frank, I'm crushed. Sounds like you have some demons from the past that you're still grappling with.
I particularly like your insight that it takes a manly man to impart "responsibility and consequences" to their young padawans. The result is men of high character like, um, uh, Don and Pete... But I particularly love your 1800's view that women are incapable of raising children because they're more prone to "infantile and childish impulses" than tough, manly men. Women are merely "like children". Yikes dude, not sure what to say.
It's fascinating how MAGA and the "new" right have become a haven for broken men flaunting this goofy faux masculinity routine. It's no wonder women are racing ahead of men in academic and professional achievement, while boys are increasingly living in their parents basements, unable to get dates, watching porn, and fretting about low T. I wonder why?
Don't have kids so my perspective may not be germaine, but looking in from the outside it seems to just feed a lot of neurotic compulsions. You're addicted to your phone but now have a baby so the phone compulsion wastes a lot of time you don't have anymore. So you get an AI app and gadget to help, and while you're checking the data might as well slide over and check a few social media feeds. Sad.
Rather than opining on how moms & dads choose to raise their kids, perhaps Oren could weigh in on ICE’s use of facial recognition technology to monitor fellow citizens as they go about terrorizing our neighbors. Real conservatives should care about federal government agents collecting such information. Alas, I guess this diversion is better than defending the actions of the founder and intellectual lodestar of the “new” right…
I think that babies need to learn ... "I scream and Mother hops! This is control!" And then, with mother, the child starts the long process of learning to negotiate with others. I'd be worried about interfering with this basic human behaviour.
I’m the mother of a 2 year old and, other than the nanit, which I just thought of as a baby monitor but maybe is something more?, I’ve never heard of any “baby tech”. I think its as simple as not asking people about their baby’s regime, which I don’t. I have no idea when and how other people’s kids go to bed or whatever.
As a father of a 5 year old and 21-month old, I do not get the barrage of parent-tech advertising that moms do, so I was not aware of some of these products. I can't imagine needing an app to tell me when my kid is sleepy. However, after initially dismissing it, I came to love the Owlet! Nobody tells you that newborns don't breathe as rhythmically as the rest of us, so it was nice to have the app to assure us that their vitals were good - especially when ill (of course, it was also a potent defense against SIDS). Otherwise, we use dumb video or audio monitors.
My son is getting old enough to go outside on his own, but we've given him a walkie-talkie as a way to give him a degree of independence while still providing a lifeline for both parent and child. I hear about parents tracking their teenagers and even their kids at college through apps and I'm horrified.
As with nearly all tech at this point, we have to put in the work to discern what truly adds value from the stuff that, at best, is unnecessary, and at worst, feeds unhealthy habits, feelings, and dependencies.
Nothing personal, but wait until you have a teenager before you rag on those who have.
Trust me, based on what you wrote about "assuring us that their vitals were good - especially when ill", you'll be shopping for smartphone monitoring apps when she's 12. (As well you should. Handing a teenager a smartphone isn't a great idea. Handing her an unfiltered one is a recipe for disaster.)
Also, I highly recommend Jonathon Haidt's substack: https://www.afterbabel.com/ Dr. Haidt has been sounding the alarm 9specifically about teenage girls and smartphone powered social media) for over a decade. When he started, everyone made fun of him, put him up with the "cell phones cause cancer" people. Now all those same people are declaring that they always knew he was correct. Jon's a great resource, not only for teens but for tech with younger ages too.
Easiest and safest policy: all Internet connected computers in public places. All portable devices airgapped. You still need filter software, but Johnny's unlikely to be watching porn or Mary get addicted to an AI chatbot in the kitchen with mom watching.
Mothering replacing fathering. It is killing civilization.
I love my dear departed mother and my still alive and kicking wife. But if the two of them had dominated the parenting of the children after they hit about 15 years old, then the boys in the family would never have grown to the well-functioning strong men that we are.
Here is the fact pattern.
Females from evolutionary biology and general biology are wired to relate to children because their primary role has been to gestate and then raise children... young children. This makes females prone to both more infantile and childish impulses and behaviors and also causes them to be like children in their natural craving for being cared for.
But moving to adult the shift to craving care to giving care should happen.
It happens when females give birth. In that moment most of them shift from child to mother.
But mothers are supposed to care for the young children. Fathers are supposed to take over and take care of the older children. The lessons of the mother are care, nurturing, unconditional love and endless empathy and second chances. The lessons of the father are hard-work, responsibility, consequences, etc. The mother teaches care from others. The father teaches self-sufficiency and self-care.
When the mother holds on to the responsibility for the older children... basically cutting out the father's authority... the children end up stunted in term of their self-sufficiency and self-care capability. They don't get the responsibility and accountability requirement. The expect to be constantly helped, supported, bailed out and to live a softer life of comfort without the stress of normal life struggle.
It is the shift to a matriarchy and female dominance of the household that has led to this constant monitoring shift. Young people are not as resilient and self-sufficient as they have been. It is a doom loop as their lack of capability results in even more mothering and monitoring, and their adult development gets stunted even into their advanced years.
My parents never addended any of my sporting practices and few of the games. They did not hover over me for my schoolwork. They never got involved in my jobs and my career. My wife wanted to call my son's commanding officer one year when he was denied leave for the holidays. I stopped her from doing that. It is natural for mothers to want to mother. However, mothering adults is a mistake, and it has led to generations of weak, lazy, soft adult-age children that cannot cope with struggle and stress and expect others to mother them until their grave.
Wow Frank, you sure seem to know a lot about how to be a good mom. I’m wondering if you’d diagnose all the broken men serving in the current administration as victims of poor mothering? How else to explain the raft of abusive creeps? They don’t seem to exhibit the “responsibility and accountability” of a properly mothered man. Don, Pete, Bobby, Elon, Corey, Rudy, Matt, Jason, Rob, Howard, it’s quite a lengthy list. And, could errant moms be behind the Epstein coverup? Just asking questions…
Your posting name should be Karly.
Jeepers Frank, I'm crushed. Sounds like you have some demons from the past that you're still grappling with.
I particularly like your insight that it takes a manly man to impart "responsibility and consequences" to their young padawans. The result is men of high character like, um, uh, Don and Pete... But I particularly love your 1800's view that women are incapable of raising children because they're more prone to "infantile and childish impulses" than tough, manly men. Women are merely "like children". Yikes dude, not sure what to say.
It's fascinating how MAGA and the "new" right have become a haven for broken men flaunting this goofy faux masculinity routine. It's no wonder women are racing ahead of men in academic and professional achievement, while boys are increasingly living in their parents basements, unable to get dates, watching porn, and fretting about low T. I wonder why?
Don't have kids so my perspective may not be germaine, but looking in from the outside it seems to just feed a lot of neurotic compulsions. You're addicted to your phone but now have a baby so the phone compulsion wastes a lot of time you don't have anymore. So you get an AI app and gadget to help, and while you're checking the data might as well slide over and check a few social media feeds. Sad.
Dick Minnis
removingthecataract.substack.com
Rather than opining on how moms & dads choose to raise their kids, perhaps Oren could weigh in on ICE’s use of facial recognition technology to monitor fellow citizens as they go about terrorizing our neighbors. Real conservatives should care about federal government agents collecting such information. Alas, I guess this diversion is better than defending the actions of the founder and intellectual lodestar of the “new” right…
I think that babies need to learn ... "I scream and Mother hops! This is control!" And then, with mother, the child starts the long process of learning to negotiate with others. I'd be worried about interfering with this basic human behaviour.
I’m the mother of a 2 year old and, other than the nanit, which I just thought of as a baby monitor but maybe is something more?, I’ve never heard of any “baby tech”. I think its as simple as not asking people about their baby’s regime, which I don’t. I have no idea when and how other people’s kids go to bed or whatever.
As a father of a 5 year old and 21-month old, I do not get the barrage of parent-tech advertising that moms do, so I was not aware of some of these products. I can't imagine needing an app to tell me when my kid is sleepy. However, after initially dismissing it, I came to love the Owlet! Nobody tells you that newborns don't breathe as rhythmically as the rest of us, so it was nice to have the app to assure us that their vitals were good - especially when ill (of course, it was also a potent defense against SIDS). Otherwise, we use dumb video or audio monitors.
My son is getting old enough to go outside on his own, but we've given him a walkie-talkie as a way to give him a degree of independence while still providing a lifeline for both parent and child. I hear about parents tracking their teenagers and even their kids at college through apps and I'm horrified.
As with nearly all tech at this point, we have to put in the work to discern what truly adds value from the stuff that, at best, is unnecessary, and at worst, feeds unhealthy habits, feelings, and dependencies.
Nothing personal, but wait until you have a teenager before you rag on those who have.
Trust me, based on what you wrote about "assuring us that their vitals were good - especially when ill", you'll be shopping for smartphone monitoring apps when she's 12. (As well you should. Handing a teenager a smartphone isn't a great idea. Handing her an unfiltered one is a recipe for disaster.)
I will not be getting my kids smart phones until very late in high school at the earliest. Dumb phones, yes, but smart phones will have to wait.
Good. I teach seminars on this stuff. My substack has an article you may want to review: https://teensandtech.substack.com/p/low-hanging-fruit-of-internet-safety
Also, I highly recommend Jonathon Haidt's substack: https://www.afterbabel.com/ Dr. Haidt has been sounding the alarm 9specifically about teenage girls and smartphone powered social media) for over a decade. When he started, everyone made fun of him, put him up with the "cell phones cause cancer" people. Now all those same people are declaring that they always knew he was correct. Jon's a great resource, not only for teens but for tech with younger ages too.
Easiest and safest policy: all Internet connected computers in public places. All portable devices airgapped. You still need filter software, but Johnny's unlikely to be watching porn or Mary get addicted to an AI chatbot in the kitchen with mom watching.